Loving an Entrepreneur

Commentary

Over the past 25 years, I have helped launch over a dozen for-profit ventures and nonprofit organizations. I have been called a serial entrepreneur, and, by many measures, others have even called me a successful one.

Along the way, I was a husband, who also managed to be a father to three now-grown healthy and well-adjusted kids.

However, I have also been divorced, faced bankruptcy, battled depression, and fought physical and mental health issues. And I have made more than my fair share of questionable life choices that caused great pain to many people close to me.

Sadly, mine is not a unique story.

As you can imagine, many of my friends are also entrepreneurs. And as you can further imagine, almost all of them have faced similar issues, balancing our professional and personal successes against our many many failures.

This kind of life is most difficult for those people closest to us, who love us and care for us, despite the challenges of being integral parts of our lives. This article is dedicated to each of you.

Why is it so difficult to be in a relationship with an entrepreneur?

I have heard many answers to this question, with the two most common being the instability of the entrepreneurial lifestyle and the number of hours that the entrepreneur dedicates to each new venture. While I completely agree with that assessment, I believe it goes much much deeper than that.

I believe that the core problem is that non-entrepreneurs view entrepreneurship as “what we do” whereas entrepreneurs view entrepreneurship as “who we are.”

It is not an occupation, career, or job. It is not a conscious choice that we make, deciding to embark on a high-risk venture rather than simply “getting a job.” Rather, it is an integral part of our being, it defines us, and it absolutely never goes away. It is not something that we can just “get out of our system” and then move on with our lives.

In fact, for many entrepreneurs, this can elevate itself to becoming a “calling,” not unlike a religious or spiritual calling. As such, it becomes something much more important than ourselves. It becomes a selfless dedication to something that can help others, or improve humanity, or even change the course of human history. In this way, we have no choice but to follow that path and dedicate ourselves to it 100%. It is almost a moral obligation to do so.

And this is exactly what leads to difficulties in our relationships with people who love us, whether it be our parents, siblings, children, or friends. However, it is the most dangerous for our romantic life partners, who often make incredible sacrifices to support our efforts and just as often get very little, if anything, in return.

It all comes down to priorities.

For a non-entrepreneur, it seems logical that personal relationships should be the highest priority (unless, of course, your religious beliefs place your God in that position). Your relationships with a life partner, family, and friends should absolutely never take a backseat to your work. The same goes for your personal health, both physical and mental.

Therefore, in a “non-entrepreneur” family unit, the priorities might look something like this:

1. Children

2. Spouse

3. Family

4. Self

5. Friends

6. Work

(Again, you can place your God wherever your religious beliefs lead you, but most likely it will be above your work.)

However, that is not how an entrepreneur’s mind works.

Again, for many entrepreneurs, their vocation is not merely a “job” but rather a “calling.” Therefore, it must always be the top priority.

Worse (at least from a non-entrepreneur’s perspective), entrepreneurs quickly realize that in order to fulfill our calling in a selfless manner, we must also take care of ourselves so we can perform at our peak abilities, which means that we usually put ourselves–quite selfishly–as the second priority.

Therefore, in an “entrepreneur” family unit, the priorities might look very different:

1. Venture

2. Self

3. Children

4. Spouse

5. Family

6. Friends

Looking at these two lists side-by-side, it is clear where the schism opens between entrepreneurs and our non-entrepreneur life partners.

So … do I have any proposed solutions?

Unfortunately, not really. Other than perhaps recommending that fellow entrepreneurs be as self-aware as possible and completely open with our life partners, ideally before we start building a life together.

If we are in a relationship already, we must understand how our partner approaches their life and why they always seem resentful of the time we put into our ventures. We cannot allow ourselves to be angry with them, because their perspectives and expectations are not only normal but also reasonable and even desirable. Most importantly, their requests of us are primarily driven by their love for us, and we should always be mindful of that.

Likewise, if you are in a relationship with an entrepreneur (or are considering one), you must understand your entrepreneur’s philosophical approach to her or his craft. Most importantly, you must be comfortable with never being the top priority in our lives. This is nothing personal against you, nor does it mean that we do not love you (or our kids) or love you (or our kids) enough. It is simply the way our brains are wired.

Finally, whatever you do, do not try to change us. It is who we are. This is not a life or career that we consciously chose for ourselves; rather, it is how we were born and eventually grew into it. And it is exactly how we will be until the day we die. So asking us to give up on our dreams and just “get a job” will never ever work with us.

A closing note …

I have to address the elephant in the room.

If you are an entrepreneur or a non-entrepreneur in a relationship with an entrepreneur (or considering starting one) and if you cannot handle the schism in priorities, then you should both consider the option of ending the relationship (or not entering into the new one). Yes, many entrepreneurs’ marriages end in divorce, including mine (amicably). And more often than not, it is because of this misalignment of priorities that creates “irreconcilable differences.” It is certainly not a path that fits everyone, but it is worth considering, since the alternative is a lifetime of misery for both of the life partners.

I really do not want to end on such a somber note, so please know that all of this still leaves me completely hopeful and optimistic about my own personal relationships and by extension those of all my fellow entrepreneurs and your loved ones.

The first step in solving a problem is admitting we have one, and as I often say “90% of solving a problem is identifying the right problem to solve.” Open and transparent communication with those closest to us is a solid first step in the direction of healthy relationships, so let us start with that and build from there.

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